Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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