I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
