Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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