I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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