Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
