One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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