I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
