3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
