I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he fucked my hip out of place.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
