i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
