the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
