i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
