I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
