Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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