I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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