i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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