Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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