I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
