Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
