The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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