Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
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craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
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We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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