WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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