I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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