so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
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A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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