I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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