there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
