I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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