K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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