So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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