I got chris browned last night
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.