Your dad touched me again.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
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He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
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he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?