I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
