Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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