I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
