Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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