i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
