i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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