My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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