I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
