in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
