dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My bed smells like the plague
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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