someone get that fucking seahorse.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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