Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
