Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
