The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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