News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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