I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
