Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches