i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Never underestimate the power of titties
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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