I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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