In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
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Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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