party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
