I wish my penis had an off switch
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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