Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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