you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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