I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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