I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
