omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
