i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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