I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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