When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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